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 Discover the 3 key blocks to finding love
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Get Others
to Really Hear You By Jonathan Robinson, MA, MFT In the movie, "Close Encounters of the Third Kind," scientists communicate with an alien culture through the use of musical notes. While music is not our primary way to communicate, in the movie it was used as a form of conveying information that the aliens could understand. In a similar way, we need to learn to talk in ways that species far different from us, such as the opposite sex, can readily understand. Even though most of us speak English, it is often very difficult to really understand others-or for them to understand you. Fortunately, there is a little known language for talking to "aliens" such as your mate or boss that they will easily grasp. It is the language of shared experience-or metaphors. The great communicator's throughout history, from Jesus Christ to Oprah Winfrey have all learned the magic of speaking in analogies and metaphors. Fortunately, learning to speak this way is a skill that can be easily learned. Once you know the basic technique, you'll be amazed at how much more quickly and effectively you can get across what you want to say. Metaphors are simple phrases that help us understand an experience by linking it to something we're already familiar with. For example, when someone says, "My work is like a war zone," it helps us to quickly grasp what their situation is like. By using metaphors when you talk to others, you can help them better understand what you have to say. In addition, by making the metaphors specific to the person you're talking to, you can powerfully engage them in what you're hoping to convey. When Jesus told fishermen "I can make you fishers of men," he was speaking their language-and they responded. When you speak the language your mate, employees, or boss understand, they will also respond. In fact, if they don't seem to be really hearing you, it means you probably are not speaking their language and it's time to try something else. To learn this skill, it's helpful to decide in one or two sentences the basic message you would like to convey to someone. For instance, if you want to convince a customer to buy your computer software, you could ask yourself, "Why should this person switch to my software as opposed to the one he's been using?" Let's say your answer is that, in the long run it will save him the time and aggravation of trying to continually upgrade his old software. Then, you can ask yourself, "When has this person ever experienced a waste of time that greatly aggravated him?" If you know of a specific incident, such as the time he bought some widgets from another company for less money, but it ended up not working out well, then you can use this as a metaphor. You might say, "Mr. Smith, your trying to stay with your old software is like you trying to buy those widgets for less money than ours. It might seem to save you time in the short term, but in the long term it'll just be a lot of aggravation and a waste of time." When you use a metaphor that incorporates a person's own experience from the past, it's especially powerful. Yet, oftentimes you won't know a person's past experience well enough to tailor a metaphor that fits your current situation. However, you can come up with generic metaphors that will work almost as well. For example, in the previous example, you could have said, "Trying to keep using your old software is like trying to keep your old car running once it's begun breaking down regularly. After awhile, you realize it's just not worth taking it to the shop every month, and you're better off simply getting a new one." To come up with useful analogies and metaphors, you can ask yourself the question, "When has this person ever experienced something akin to what I'm trying to convey?" This question also works when you want to create a metaphor to convey your feelings to an intimate partner. For instance, if your mate occasionally criticizes you, and they really haven't "gotten" how much this bothers you, you might want to create a metaphor to describe how much it annoys you. You could say, "When you tell me I'm a bad cook, I feel like I've been kicked in the groin." Of course, if you know your mate has also been hurt by harsh criticism, you can use an example from his or her specific past. You might say, "When you tell me in a harsh manner that I'm bad at something, it makes me feel like how you felt when (your ex-mate) Lee abandoned you in your time of need." To help you do this, here's a simple three step process to get you started:
If you can create metaphors that effectively communicate your pain, or help people get in touch with the pain they're likely to feel if they don't change, you'll find them intently listening to you. In addition, if you can metaphorically communicate the pleasure they'll feel by doing what you suggest, they'll be all ears. The important thing is to speak in pictures, experiences, and phrases that emotionally grab people. Although we think of ourselves as very rational creatures, we mostly act based on what emotionally affects us. As you learn to speak to your mate, your friends, your customers, or your boss in ways they can relate to, you'll notice that the quality of their "listening" seems to take off. When people really feel heard, magic happens. About Jonathan Robinson, MA, MFT Jonathan Robinson is a psychotherapist and the author of seven books, including the bestsellers Communication Miracles for Couples and Shortcuts to Bliss. He is a frequent guest on shows such as Oprah, Geraldo, CNN, and articles about him have appeared in USA Today and Newsweek magazine. Jonathan is known for providing people with very practical techniques that can immediately improve the quality of their relationships and their life. See recommended
reading for more information on his book, Jonathan is also available for relationship counseling. |